Christian Singles and Sexuality

I wrote earlier on celebrating sexuality within a Christian worldview. I still think the world yearns for affirmation of our sexuality from God's point of view, especially since the world never hesitates to offer distortions and lies on the topic.

However, the most intriguing responses to me were the voices of Christian singles. I heard much pain and a little anger toward the church on the topic.

Part of the irony about Christian sexuality is an acknowledgment that singles are created sexual persons too, even if celibate. And I confess, I've spoken more with struggling couples than singles, so I'm not sure how to speak well to the issue. The call to celibacy is clear enough, but how do we speak together in love and care?

So I'd love to hear more from singles about how the church can minister to them, not so much in terms of a an overall organization or a big program for all singles, but pastorally as sexual persons.

How should pastors speak to you as a single person about your sexuality? Is it something you restrict? Manage? Celebrate? What words would you use? What insensitive terms make you cringe when you hear them applied to you from church people and pastors?

What advice do you have young singles?

What do you wish every pastor would hear?

Frankly, I'm looking for an education from singles about singles and their sexuality so I can be a better pastor.  Let me hear more of your voices!

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Comments (26)

I think what you're hitting on is a huge problem. I have never heard anybody talk about single sexuality besides saying unhelpful things like sex is great, don't do it. I don't even really like the term celibacy because it has such a sense of permanence to it, when for many of us, sexuality has seasons. I'm not sure what the answer is, but I would like to see someone radically rethink the way we approach sexuality from many angles, including singleness. And maybe we should start by questioning the assertion that the call to celibacy is so clear after all.
With the divorce rate of 41-50%, depending on who you believe, the reality is that there are going to be a lot of single divorced adults in any church. Yet, these people tend to be relatively invisible. These people are injured, their social ability has been compromised and some married people want to ignore that they are there (or don’t know how to relate to them) for fear it is catching. Often times the woman partner in a marriage has been the social organizer, arranging dinners and events. After divorce many men drift, not knowing who or how to connect. After being intimate with someone for 20 years and suddenly finding yourself alone, it feels unnatural. I struggle with this almost every day. One of my best friends, a strong faithful Christian guy, former Christian college professor and recently divorced who has known the Lord for 30 years told me that if the situation presented it self, he fears he would go to bed with an interested woman. Few people consciously choose celibacy (though some do and I salute them). The sociology of how men and women fare in divorce is fascinating. But the reality is that our pews are full of single adults. Or adults that have for whatever reason never married. One of my best woman friends is 51, unmarried and really hoping to be married one day. Most pastors imagine that everyone is like them, married, and regale the congregation with marriage anecdotes and family teaching. They need to deal with reality. After all, Jesus, was single. Paul, author of most of the New Testament was single. I completely agree with Bethany.
Take seriously that it is difficult being a christian single in a sexually charged culture. A lot of messages targeted at single christian women feel really patronizing because they make it sound like it is only the guys that really struggle with sexual issues and that once we make a decision to be pure it will be easy. Lots of women struggle seriously in a variety of different ways.
I think that sexuality is a normal part of being human. The real task, as a Christian, is acknowledging one has those desires. As Chamen said, redirecting those desires by doing things that are pleasing to the Lord will help us to grow in our faith and become stronger in overcoming temptations. Even married persons have issues in their lives where they are not living out their sexuality with their God joined partner. In such cases, resisting temptation and instead doing things God's way---by putting down the flesh, is what will satisfy in the long run, and not lead to guilt, conviction, condemnation. We must be careful though in thinking that a piece of paper (marriage license) will allow us to lawfully (in God's eyes) to have sexual relationships. God's Word teaches that those who are divorced from an original spouse are not to have relations with others besides their spouse. They are to remain "unmarried" or be reconciled with the one God joined them to, otherwise they commit adultery if they "join" with another. Blessings..........
I have a question for you concerning this. My first husband and I were married by a rabbi in a catering hall (he was Jewish, I was Catholic). There was a priest there to say a prayer, but he did not officiate the wedding. Nine years and two children later, my husband left me for another woman. I was 33 at the time. I am now remarried, have gained two stepchildren, and both my husband and I were baptized Christian last year. We pray together, go to bible study every week, attend church every Sunday, and do volunteer work for the church all the time (my husband is a painter, so use your imagination. I mostly stick to hospitality and mailings, although I did mow the church lawn last Saturday). Most importantly, we are both caring people who like to minister to those in need, especially spiritually. Our marriage is a wonderful partnership full of love, responsibility, fun, and best of all, fantastic sex.

So my question to you is this...am I committing adultery? I know I'm not perfect, I accept that I am a sinner and that I will continue to make mistakes...but I didn't think adultery was one of them.
Here's the thing about adultery: it's about more than who you sleep with. Jesus made it clear that any of us can commit adultery just by our thoughts and fantasies, even if we never act on them.
So, I, too, am guilty of adultery; I am 30 and single, living in a sex-saturated society, and though I may not have had sex, I have certainly thought about it.
With all due respect to Cindy, whose testimony I did read, I think the Holy Spirit convicts different people in different ways and at different times. I have seen how divorce and unfaithfulness can hurt marriages & families. And it was not how God intended things to be. Sometimes, though, it is the way things end up. So here's my question: After that's all over, why should those people be denied a chance at redemption, a new life, and a new family? I don't believe they should. I've seen bad marriages end and lead to new, happier families. I don't think of that as adultery.
Different people will be convicted differently, I guess; it sounds like God has blessed you with a second chance, as He has done for others I know.
Lisa,

I would really encourage you to click on my name and visit the link. I personally have come to believe through MUCH study of God's Word that He joins ALL original marriages----of unbelievers and believers----for life. Any relationship entered into before the death of a spouse Jesus and Paul both taught is an adulterous relationship---not a valid marriage. Man, and many in the church today have ignored God's Words to the contrary and now say such unions are "blessed" of God----without any biblical merit. Also, on this issue: having a 'religious' person officiate a "marriage" does not legitimize the marriage one way or the other. That is a Roman Catholic teaching, but can nowhere be found in scripture. We can chose who to marry, and if that person is free to marry, then it is GOD who joins the two into ONE flesh. Blessings............
Well, let me just get this clear so I understand...if your husband broke the most sacred vow of trust by first A. being abusive and B. leaving you for another woman, and you were only 33, am I to understand that you would be finished with relationships with ALL men until the day you died, even if that was another 60 years? I'm just asking because I'm curious, I'm not trying to be obnoxious. I honestly would like to know how you feel about this, since you stated what you did in your post.

It's very easy for people who've never been married or who are in good, solid marriages to judge the lives of others who have not had functional marriages. Both my husband and I AND my ex husband and the woman he left me for have come to know Christ...but according to what you're saying, what's the point? We're all doomed anyway. Am I to believe we're exempt from the forgiveness of Jesus? Didn't Jesus himself say that no one should get divorced, except in the case of adultery? Can't adultery be taken in other contexts, such as something you choose to be involved with that takes away from your spouse and your marriage, like drugs, for instance? I know many people having an affair with those, and destroying their marriages.

I just need to know where the forgiveness of Christ fits into all this. I personally am choosing to believe that Christ forgave me and is giving my new husband and me a second chance. Otherwise, what's the point of living...honestly? I might as well become Catholic again, and be persecuted for not being perfect every day.
Thanks for being sensitive this issue. I think the biggest thing is to accept and celebrate singleness as a viable Christian lifestyle and not just as a condition to sympathize about. I personally hate the term "gift of singleness". I think the gift that God gives to single people is the gift of self control. Also, I don't think sexuality is a topic for a sunday morning sermon. We are bombared with sexual references all week long, it's not necessary to hear about it on a Sunday morning as well. Keep it as a topic for small groups or as a seminar subject.

As Christians I think we need to think and formulate a biblical view of sexuality that allows us to talk about it in and free and open way (in the appropriate contexts and venues. ) I think that churches can best minister to me by treating me as a person and not focusing on my marital status. Also, if people do come for counselling and as a pastor it's hard to understand the issues then try pairing them up with other older single people in a mentoring type program. Often an older single has figured out a lot of the issues and has a lot to give in terms of support and advice.
I am SO GLAD you asked this question.

As a single Christian woman, I've watched/listened to many a service on resisting sexual sin. Without fail, I'm told that it's a matter of depending on/relating to/speaking to/understanding my spouse. That marriage is a protection from sin.

That's all well and good, but I'm not married and I'm tired of being ignored.

I'm a woman, I'm a Christian, and I struggle with lust. Telling me to depend on my husband is a pitiful response to a growing issue in the church.

Ask me how I'm struggling. Stop ignoring the temptation of masturbation. Treat me like a woman, not a child who doesn't understand. Give me real advice that is applicable to a SINGLE person.

And for the love of all that is holy don't stand on a stage and say "Sex is WONDERFUL. But only in the context of marriage, so singles don't do it!"

The things I think about the pastors saying that are very unbecoming of a Christian.

Also, I wrote a bit about this here: http://upturnedbarbie.blogspot...
One big problem is that the church is struggling to cope with the 2 main "types" of singles - those that are single but clearly unhappy with being single, and those that are single and are happy with it.

I've been interested to hear how Mars Hill in Seattle encourage their young singles (of both types) to "embrace" their singleness, and recognise that they have more time and money at that time in their life, and to focus their resources into ministry, rather than purely "selfish" pursuits. They also encourage singles of the first type to spend time with couples, learning about the realities of marriage and parenthood, rather than relying on the false images in the secular media.
I know this isn't even your main point, but it reminded me of something else I should bring up: I am pretty tired of hearing that single people have so much more time and money. Maybe more than people with children, but childless married people, I think, have more flexibility with time and money because they share these responsibilities. We need to stop imagining single people as being so free and available. In many ways being single is a lot more stressful. If I can't keep my job or get another one that also has health insurance, I don't have a backup. If I don't do the shopping, cooking, laundry, I'll be hungry and dirty.
I see what you're saying, but logically my statement is true. Leaving out for the moment the "not single, but not married" group, married people have to dedicate a portion of their time each week to each other for the relationship to succeed. Plus there are twice as many relatives to connect with.
Financially, married people, for the most part, do not share accommodation with others, and usually look to buy rather than rent anyway. (I realise that this is a generalisation). I believe statistically single people do have more disposable income, plus they do not have to seek the agreement/approval of their partner before spending money. Money is one of the key things that married couples fight over.

I'm not saying that being single is easy, nor that all singles are magically rich and have hours of spare time. What I am saying is that the statistics point towards single people having more time and money, on average, than married people. And, as someone who has been single, married without children, and now married with children, I agree with the stats.
I think dating takes quite a few resources as well, and single people also have relationships that require maintainence, though those may be primarily within the church.

Maybe the real answer is that singles, like married people, are not monolithic. There are a wide variety of gifts and callings among God's people, period. Though singles may have fewer demands on their time and money on average, that becomes meaningless when you start to compare individuals. Though supporting a family is a vocation for some, both married and single people have other callings that are demanding as well.
that Pastor Brown movie they just screened in miami is dealing with issues of sexuality -a pastor's daughter turned exotic dancer. Difficult subject in general, but why must sexuality and christianity be mutually exclusive?
Sorry about my last entry, I had several people come to the door at the same time. What i am saying about sexuality is this, to tell anyone what the ultimate expectation of the scripture is regarding sexuality and sexual conduct, when they are unable or to inmature to bear it, then you are doing them a disservice. The truth and acceptance ought to be the formula to guide some one about sex and their bodies. hope in the Lord that He will gie your guidance to such a one that they may desire to act according to the best principles of our Christian faith, but to ignore the fact that not all are wkilling or able is not of the Gosple. We need to tell people what is right and allow that they will need patience and longsufering untill they are able to bear the earthly sacrifices that we need to make. Willingly with hope. But we fail and fall, but need to know God loves us always, not according to our good works but in errors as well. It is all to often sweeped under a rug that Christians masterbate and have sexual desires that the church ignores and this leaves them without a place to lean on when most needed. Echa person is different and is at a level of maturity in life and spirit that requires each to be guided differently, but the objective is the same for all. A gay person is under the same judgement as an unmarried person.
Untill Grace abounds in all of a persons life then the proper sexual behaiour will not be present in them.
As our bodies adapt to the chemical needs placed on it and the knowledge and willingness to please God is present a realistic view of sexuallity should be made clear and the expexted objective made clear.
Even then good men fall, love covers a mutitude of sin.
loving patient, longsuffering fruits of the spirit are required to address sex in todays Church.
I am replying to the lady who explained that she is in her second marriage. Her and her spouse work at their church and have a healthy spiritual, family, and sex life. Her question is, Is she committing adultry in this new marriage? The way the question is stated in her post can also mean to ask, Is she living in sin?
We often expect nice "fast food " answers to complicated questions. The reality is we need to spend time and energy seeking the truth of these complicated issues. If we don't, we weaken our church.
Here is my answer for you, but I hope you will question all that I say and learn your truth,"with fear and trembling".
In the Gosples, Jesus responded to a persons injurery with the statement that if you leave a spouse for anything other than adultery then you are commiting adultery yourself. His answer didn't leave too much to the emaginatoin. He used the example of Moses allowing a certificate of deviorce due to the hardness of their hearts. Then He alluded ack to God's original purpose for marriage."In the begining it wasn't so..."
What is He telling us.
He is telling us in these verses that we are becoming so complancent in our view of sin that we have lost the conciction of sin in our lives. When we get tolerent of sin then there is nothing to repent of and no need for God. Jesus is telling us to look at ourselves through God's eyes and see ourselves as we really are."Do not think of ourselves more than we ought"
The institution of marriage as meant by our God sought be viewed as He meant it to be, not to be taken lightly. Marriage is a form of our life with Him, it takes commitment, not love to ensure that it survives. Love is a condition of the will not the emtion, if you are unwilling to love then you won't. Being willing to love comes from commitment.
Another way to answer this question is to ask, what is sin?
We also need to determine if God's grace is going to be on your new marriage? Do you have His blessing if you are living in "sin".
Yes you are a sinner and yes you are living in sin but are not of sin. You live by faith, not the law. God does and is blessing your new relationship and He expects you to live it according to the best possible blessing that He promises to you.`Go and sin no more``.
Too recognize that there was sin in your previous choises doesn`t mean you are living under condemnation.
As Christians we recognize that there is an ultimate goal of personal behaviour that we seek to obtain too. This style of live that we obtain to, ought not to interfer with our relationship with God. Our daily wlak sould not be about `don`ts``, but it should be about the spirits presece to `do``.
If there is too much guilt about what you are doing then you need to examine yourself, but the utimate goal is that the fruit of the spirit rains in you.One other point. As we mature in the spirit in knowledge and experiance, the spirit within us reveals sins of our past. Long forgoten event that were of no effect that the time. Why is this. Sin is sin, we need to realize how distant we are from the true persons we were meant to be and if we always hide or justify our evils then we are unable to do this. Call it for what it is, and then thank God for His loving mercy that we are forgiven and loved, just as we are. It is not about works but His love towards us that saves. Amen I too am a sinner and have many thing in me that I wish were not there. Often times these sins in me become more of my emotional focus and don`t allow me to fellowship with Him as I hope. What is greater, the sin or it`s ability to interfer with my fellowship with my God.

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