I’ve written here before about why I believe family focused talk in churches is alienating and excluding Christian singles and childless couples. I was thinking more on the topic recently, and thinking about how family focus also devalues other kinds of important relationships.
For example, I’ve lived with the same roommate for the last 2 years. We are not just roommates, but also colleagues. We have a relationship that is based in trust and mutual support. We celebrate each others successes and commiserate when things don’t go the way we’d hoped. We share bills, but also meals, trips, ideas and resources. Even though we do not plan for our relationship to stay the way it is for our whole lives (so in this sense it is unlike a marriage) we do plan to always have a relationship, and my relationship with her is an important part of my life. This kind of close friendship, though, is not something that is valued in public the way family relationships are, even though my roommate is like family to me.
Is there a way the church can support and encourage the kind of love that exists in non-sexual, non-permanent partnerships and relationships? What about actively working to build family-like relationships among church members?
I was thinking about where the term “church family” comes from, and I realized that in the New Testament, the church is described as brothers and sisters and children of God, and even more intimately, as a body. Being in the same body, to me, implies an even closer connection than shared DNA. Jesus said in the book of Luke, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple.” This also suggest that our relationship to our spiritual family is more important than our biological one.
Yet, in spite of all of these things, we regularly bemoan the collapse of the nuclear family, and spend so much of our church time elevating family-ness. Maybe what we should be doing instead is working toward a church family, a church BODY that supersedes biological ties.
One reason I’m thinking about this is because my parents recently published a book about faith milestones and how we can celebrate together as a church family. Celebration is definitely a part of what I’m getting at here. ( There is a little irony that I'm getting these ideas from conversations among my biological family).
I also think we need to worry about taking responsibility for each other and spending time together in the times when things aren’t dramtically good or bad. I can think of lots of examples of what I’m talking about from my life and the lives of others, but I wish it was more common and more expected. For example, you would expect your biological family to be there when you have to move, or when you are stressed out, or when you are looking for a new job.
I think being in a big church makes this harder, because there are so many people with needs that it’s not possible for one person know and care about all of them. Sometimes a thriving small group program solves this problem, but it definitely requires a commitment from a person for them to get cared for. How might we promote and support this attitude within our churches, and toward others outside the church? How do we work toward a world where CHURCH family comes first?
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Comments (5)
The other thing I've noticed in my studies is how much easier that must have been for the early church since they worshipped in people's homes. Bethany, you mention church size and small groups as part of both the challenge and solution to our view of the church family, but I agree that small groups do not solve the problem of our attitudes about the nuclear family's supremacy. Maybe we all need to be more willing to do things for others that we would normally only do for family members: go on vacation together, watch soccer and little league games of other people's kids, have more church social events like potlucks or movie nights, etc. It's hard to think of yourself as family if you only see someone once a week from across a sanctuary for an hour.
One other thing that might help is outreach projects that actively encourage congregational participation. For example, from this thread over on Wondercafe.ca (http://wondercafe.ca/discussio... I learned about a church that was sponsoring a refugee family, as a body.
I supposed I'd sum it up by saying that the more opportunities to talk, eat, and serve together, the better. :')
The husbands seem reluctant to engage a single woman in conversation, (even though I have been attending the church for two years, have taught most of their kids in sunday school, Kids Church or VBS and am now a Deaconess) and so usually focus on their wives and kids.
How do I as the single person deal with this in a Godly manner? I would love to be more involved/included in the lives of some of these families but they seem unwilling or unable to figure out how to do so.