Note: Every January, Calvin College hosts a series of lectures called the January Series. The invited speakers hail from a wide variety of backgrounds and viewpoints, but generally have something significant to say to the Christian and academic community. Over the next few weeks, I’m going to be attending several January Series lectures, and hope to report on them here. This is the first such report.
This afternoon I had the chance to attend a lecture by Lauren Winner—the first address in this year’s January Series at Calvin College. Winner’s writings have attracted a fair amount of discussion and debate online for her views on sex, relationships, and marriage, and her lecture today, “The Truth About Married Sex,” was a testament to her ability to speak candidly and directly about the place of sex in the Christian life.
Winner’s topic was sex in marriage—specifically, why “good sex” and “marriage” often don’t seem to go together, and how Christians can articulate a Biblical understanding of sex within marriage. What are we to make of frequent magazine stories claiming that sex is a rare event in the marriages of many Americans? What about the common complaint that sex within marriage quickly becomes routine and dull, and that the pressures and demands of everyday family life make “good sex” difficult for busy spouses to experience? And if so many married couples have less-than-satisfactory sexual relationships, how can Christians honestly tell the world around us that sex within marriage is a wonderful gift from God?
It’s a daunting topic, and I won’t be able to do justice here to Winner’s thoughts. Her essential thesis is that all of us, Christians and non-Christians alike, have over the last several decades accepted a redefinition of “good sex” that excludes the sort of sex that one encounters within a married relationship. We’re conditioned to chase after the “good sex” that our media and culture hold aloft for us to admire: sex that is exciting, unpredictable, exotic, not taken for granted, and unbound by the restrictions of commitment… and judging sex by those standards will mean that married sex, which is predictable, familiar, and affected by the ups and downs of everyday family life, will inevitably disappoint.
The problem is exacerbated by the way we pit our ideas of “ideal domestic life” against this ideal of “good sex”-the two simply aren’t compatible. The realities of domestic life-doing the laundry, fixing dinner, going to work, raising kids—makes married couples increasingly feel that to enjoy good sex, they need to escape their normal domestic environment. But “romantic getaways” are tough to schedule when you’re a busy mom or dad, and so the prospect of “good sex” grows increasingly dim for many marriages.
So how do we address this problem? A commonly suggested solution is that Christian couples try to “spice up” their sex lives—but Winner notes that this solution (while not sinful in itself) merely amounts to trying to make married sex feel like the idealized, unmarried “good sex” that our society idolizes. Such efforts reinforce the idea that ordinary, everyday sex within marriage is less than ideal, something to be escaped.
Winner suggests that the solution may lie in our understanding of what the ideal domestic life is. We ought to see sex as a healthy part of the spousal relationship, whether or not it’s always as thrilling and exciting as you’d like. In other words, we need to see that “normal, routine” sex over the course of a marriage is good sex. Winner is not saying that we ought to lower our expectations for sex, but that we shift them to focus on the joys that come uniquely from married sex. It’s largely a psychological change that’s called for—we need to abandon unrealistic, mainstream-culture ideas of what sex should be, and learn to appreciate the ebb and flow of sexuality between two spouses who are sometimes tired, sometimes romantic, but nevertheless committed to each other. Married sexuality is infinitely more satisfying when it’s free of the pressure to conform to the unrealistic and shallow expectations of mainstream culture.
While her primary call is for Christians to appreciate (and then trumpet) the value of sex as a key part of healthy domestic life, she also cites some secondary issues that Christians need to address. She expressed concern that many couples rely too heavily on their spouses for complete emotional and social fulfillment; without a strong church or family community to support them and provide a social outlet, married couples can become smotheringly dependent on each other, and that can stifle a healthy romantic relationship. Similarly, Winner suggests that the evangelical community’s definition of “healthy family”—which is often extremely, perhaps overly, child-centered—unintentionally encourages spouses to put sexuality on the back burner in favor of other domestic duties.
I found Winner’s address fascinating; she’s a skilled public speaker, and has a candid and straightforward personality that feels refreshing given the extreme difficulty the evangelical church has in discussing sex without either going overboard (making it the focus of our entire moral lives) or stepping cautiously around the tough questions. Winner’s talk was a good start to the January Series, and I heartily encourage you to explore her many writings on the topic of sex and Christianity.
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January 4, 2007 at 00:04
My first reaction was, “Yeah, so this is new?” I was just pleasantly surprised that Winner said what most of us older married types have known for some time.
How did we ever allow ourselves to become so besotted as a culture with the romantic-media-fantasy ideal of sex? I mean, really now, who ever kisses their spouse in real life the way they kiss in the movies?! Frankly, I think that kind of osculatory excess was invented for the movies because they needed a visual substitute for intercourse. And I bet most husbands would rather just have sex than to figure out how to be a “good lover,” or worse a “passionate lover,” whatever those mean.
The primary purpose of marriage is companionship, not sex. Rather than subduing the earth alone, we get to do it with a companion who “completes” us and gives added meaning and purpose to our lives. Sex is an added bonus, and God’s way of making sure the “multiply…and fill the earth” part happens, too. Even if the romantic ideal is a bad deal, that doesn’t mean sex is just a biological act, though.
In it’s better moments, sex is an expression of true marital companionship and commitment. In the same way my wife and I are spiritual and emotional companions, we are also physical companions. Sex is just another way of communicating our love and commitment to one another, and to growing closer. We have sex because we are married; we enjoy sex because we want to be closer. Sex does not define us; it refines us. It’s not as frequent now, but it’s still fun when it happens, and we’re friends no matter what. I suspect that’s how it is for most older married couples.
January 4, 2007 at 15:27
I question the validity of the reports and surveys Winner cites for taking the view that the married Christian’s sex life isn’t good enough. I mean, if we define good sex as exotic and unpredictable and candlelit with rose petals, how absolutely true that married sex is more likely to be dull.
But what if we define sex another way? Would anyone enjoy that media-backed nonsensical version of sex if it did not at its root hold some baser truth? No. Actually, the reason people call that good sex is because it is perceived to be enjoyable both physically and emotionally. For all the hype on separating sex from emotion, it is rare to see a movie where sex isn’t a cathartic act or a pinnacle achievement in a romantic relationship.
And here married Christians have a distinct advantage, and if they can learn to be comfortable talking about sex, can probably prove that their sex life, while predictable, is far from bad. To be good, sex must be physically and emotionally enjoyable. After five years of being married, how well my wife knows what really does please me and I her! The fact that we both entered virginally into marriage means that, whereas this is the worst sex we’ve ever had, it is also the best because we have nothing to compare it to! There is no media sex here, but there is certainly good sex of another sort.
As to the complaints of family life making sex a planned event…perhaps this is so, but my wife has made it pretty clear that she finds it incredibly attractive when I play with the kids. Several different surveys have revealed the same is typical of woman: they find men in a fatherly role sexually desireable. Since I love to play with my children, and my wife loves to watch me do it, I’d say a married sex life…is better than a media one.
January 4, 2007 at 16:30
Josh I agree with you for the most part, and I think it’s unfortunate that to a lot of Christians, especially younger Christians, marriage is all about sex, because when you’re young and hormones are raging, you want to have sex, and you’ve been told your whole life that it’s evil outside of marriage, so you better get married quick so you can have sex. Unfortunately this leads to a lot of brief unhealthy marriages.
On the other hand, marriage for companionship that doesn’t involve sex at all isn’t healthy either, and this can be a tough one for Christians too. The reason being that Christians have been told their entire lives that sex is wrong, and suddenly on your wedding night, it’s not wrong anymore. Well that’s a hard to change your feelings that quickly, and so some newly married christians are afraid of sex.
So there needs to be that healthy balance that Josh talks about, and the only thing you say that I would disagree with is when you say that christians marry someone who “completes” them. I think that can be a dangerous way of thinking, because the only thing that can complete us is the love of Jesus Christ, and expecting a partner to do that can be very unhealthy.
Just my random thoughts on the subject.
January 4, 2007 at 20:05
I think Josh is spot on. Marriage is ultimately about companionship and completeness, sex is a bonus. (I love the wisdom of older married types!) While Morgan is correct, the love of Christ does complete us, Christ often manifests that completion through the avenue of other people. As we all know, God developed marriage because He declared that it was not good for man be alone. And this at the time that man existed in paradise enjoying a direct relationshp with HIM. Granted, in our fallen/redeemed states we can’t experience the fullness of relationships with each other (or Him) that God originally intended, but in His plan he uses marriage as the anvil-hammer-pruner-cross to make us holy. As well as give some stability to society. Sex is important, but companionship and friendship is more important. That’s what makes sex good and that’s what will keep the relationship going while the spark is dim.
January 4, 2007 at 20:19
Andy, while Winner’s points seem quite interesting and true, they don’t sound particularly Christian, as opposed to ideas that would apply equally well to married atheists or Buddhists, or whatever. I’m curious if she said anything else specific to Christian faith (spiritual, theological, biblical, etc.) or if she’s simply reflecting on married sex in general because all Christian sex should be married sex.
January 5, 2007 at 14:02
Kim:
Why should the “truth” have to sound “Christian?” Aren’t we TRYING to communicate truth to “the World” not just to other Christians? ANY Truth is “Christian” (that is: Christ-like) by it’s very nature. But we (Christians) don’t have a corner on the Truth market. The ideals, tenets, values, spiritual laws, etc. found in scripture are “true” for ALL who follow them regardless of any personal faith in Jesus. Gravity doesn’t stop working just because I choose not to believe in it. Married sex, and the cultural hype surrounding it, is a universal condition and what makes it “good” or “bad” is also universal. What non-Christians miss out on in the experience is the opportunity to thank a loving Creator for his wisdom.
January 5, 2007 at 16:46
Karen, I agree that truth can still ring true to non-Christians. What I’d be interested to hear (from Winner or someone else) is about an explicit connection between married sex and Christianity, because I think that Christianity can inform and enrich the way we look at sex in a way that goes beyond the description of married sex. Like you mention about thanking a loving Creator for the experience – there is a spiritual component to the discussion of sex that isn’t mentioned and wouldn’t be available in the same way to people who don’t have the same interaction with God that Christians do. While I’m interested in Winner’s ideas on married sex, I’m also interested in a specifically Christian take on sex that goes deeper than that.
January 5, 2007 at 19:07
As a 20-year old single guy, I’m not one to want to think about married sex much, but I’d think it a tragedy to become one flesh with someone and then bored with your spouse’s sexuality. Joylessness is one of the greatest sins against God.
So seriously, I’d think that’s one of the things a married couple should pray for each other—that the husband be ever “captivated” by his wife’s love (Prov. 5:19), and that “her breasts satisfy [him] always.”
It’s kinda awkward to think about for me right now, but honestly if God calls me to marry someone, I have to keep those things in mind—as requirements in obeying God. She has to be someone whose beauty (and sexuality) will captivate me even in her old age.
This life God gives us is full of surprises—who’d think Christians had biblical instructions to be satisfied in your married sex life? Proverbs 5 commands it, and is the good weighed against the evil (giving in to the adulteress).
January 6, 2007 at 18:51
Kim;
You’re absolutely right. Involving faith in the marital relationship—including sex—gives the entire act a dimension that is missing in a purely secular marriage. I have a feeling that our puritanical roots make it difficult even for Christians to recognize how sex can be an intimate moment with God, and how acknowledging God’s presence as Author of our sexuality can amplify the intimacy. At any rate, I wouldn’t hold your breath waiting for any big name to discuss it in detail!
As for BB: Don’t give up hope! It’s after that first blast of hormones quiets down, that true intimacy begins. Sexual intimacy was never meant to be one “high” after another. Have you ever read the “Screwtape Letters” by C.S. Lewis? Satan has a way of distorting God’s gifts (especially sex) in such a way as to turn us into pleasure addicts- requiring more but enjoying it LESS. Our culture has taken sex out of the context of a meaningful and committed relationship, where your whole being can be nourished, and put it on a par with your average junkie going for a fix: always needing more and never satisfied.