Modesty: A short rant

Driving home last night I switched the radio from my normal news station to a local Christian station because I wanted to do a little singing.  I sang to the last half of one song and the whole next one, but then the station broke for a word from a women's ministry.  The spot began with women's voices talking about the definition of modesty---modesty is being out of style, modesty is old-fashioned--and then the voice of the woman who leads this particular ministry came on, and she began to talk about the true benefits of modesty.

One of the benefits she noted was protection.  Yes, protection.  Modesty, she said, will protect you from unwanted attention from men who are less than desirable.  Modesty will attract the right kind of man and deter the wrong kind of man.  Dressing modesty is a way to protect oneself from men with ulterior motives.

The longer I listened the more my jaw dropped.  Modesty will protect me?!  It's my responsibility to dress modestly so that creepy men won't try to ply me with their advances?

Now, I don't know about you, but in my experience I can be wearing a snowsuit zipped to the chin and if a creepy guy is going to be creepy, he doesn't care what I'm wearing.  To say that modesty is a way to protect myself from such people is simply false.  Furthermore, it continues to place the responsibility for men's predatory behavior on women.  I'm reminded of a recent lecture by a former Muslim who told the audience that the headscarves and burkas in Islamic culture are to protect women because it is assumed that men cannot control themselves.

Haven't we moved beyond such false ideas about men and women?  I believe that men are able to control themselves, and those who are not cannot blame another person's attire for their behavior.  I believe that women can be encouraged to dress modestly as a way of honoring their own bodies and owning their own behavior as disciples of Jesus--and that men should be counseled in the same way.  But to promote modesty as a method of protection is ignorant.  And dangerous.

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Comments (47)

right on.
100% agree!! As someone who's been the brunt of unwanted sexual attention and sexual harassment, I can agree emphatically it doesn't matter how you dress. Modesty is good but it is NOT protection against aggressive male attention and to lay the blame for that on women is sexist and misguided. While I believe women should dress modestly out of respect for themselves and God, I recall that Jesus pointed to men saying"if you look on a woman with lust in your heart" without adding "unless she's wearing something that calls for it."
I did a survey of college students at my (Christian) college and another local state school and another similar sized secular private school. My Christian college had higher rates of belief in Rape Myths (a provocatively dressed girl was just asking to be raped, was one of them.) Not only did people at my school believe rape myths more than the state school or secular private school but they were more likely to believe them the longer they had been at the school. Now this was a project that I did as a junior in college so it probably has very limited validity and all, but it would seem to suggest to me that Christians have an improper view of the body, rape, and sexuality.
Obviously written by a woman... : )
When women dress modestly they are protecting men, not themselves. It is a demonstration of Christian love, I believe, for a woman to be careful how she presents herself. Men are visual creatures, plain and simple. I don't think women can ever fully appreciate the depth of that statement. We have a hard time dealing with lust, and it makes it very difficult when women are barely covered. Would it be right to have a beer or a glass of wine in the presence of a recovering alcoholic? I'm not suggesting women go around wearing burkas or anything like that, only that they be aware of their effects on us.
As a male since about three months after conception, definitely since birth, and plan to stay that way until I die, bm186 speaks for himself, not for all us males. Males, like females, come in thousands of different combinations of lust, morality, self-control, hedonism, empathy, egotism, and self-gratification. I cannot recall a single time that looking at a woman, whatever her state of undress, made it difficult for me to refrain from rape, or even third degree sexual assault. I can keep my hormonal responses to myself, unless I am looking at someone who would really like to share them. People who have spent decades studying the original Hebrew of Genesis (I don't know the language) tell me that humans have animal instincts, and a nefesh chayyim (living soul) which is intended to be in full control at all times. It's not of course, that is why morality can be such a struggle, but the job of any Christian man or woman is to keep the animal instincts under control, not to eliminate them, but to control them for the purposes that creatures made in the image of God are intended to seek. Start by recognizing that women are Biblically assigned to very important roles besides making their husbands feel good and bearing children: the virtuous woman described in Proverbs 28 has independent discretion to spend family finances, is expected to be knowledgeable at buying and selling real estate -- and her husband doesn't hang around panting and petting her, he waits in the gate with the elders. While she is supporting the family, he is taking compliments for what a good provider she is.
Obviously written by a man... :)

Why does the need for action in this matter for action fall on women? Why should it be their duty to protect us from ourselves? Furthermore, who said that I need to be protected?

Am I a visual person? Sure., do I have testosterone pumping through me that heightens my sex drive, yes, does that mean that my situation and actions needs to be 'protected' or controlled by someone else? No. I think the idea that men (at least those who do not have mental illness and such) cannot control themselves and are not culpable for their actions is ridiculous. I tend to find statements that we men are visual, more have more active sex drives, and the like excuses for a lack of self discipline and control.


Would it be right to have a beer or a glass of wine in the presence of a recovering alcoholic?

Would it be wrong?? If a recovering alcoholic places him/herself in a situation such as a wedding reception or a restaurant that serves liquor, should I deny myself a glass of wine? ?? I would never serve alcohol to a recovering addict, but at what point does my responsibility for others end and responsibility for themselves begin???? BTW, I do not drink, having grown up in an alcoholic family system.

The lack of personal responsibility is one of the hallmarks of our generation.. sadly.
Come to think of it, I once knew a recovering alcoholic who loved to SERVE alcohol to others (non-alcoholics), a way to vicariously enjoy his knowledge of fine wines and good quality hard liquors, without partaking of something he knew his system could not handle. Its not the only way to deal with alcoholism, but it is one way. Many alcoholics keep an unopened bottle in plain sight as a test and a reminder.
I don't know if you are familiar with the Modesty Survey over at the Rebelution, but here's a link: http://www.therebelution.com/m...

I agree that too much emphasis can be placed on a woman's responsibility in this matter, but that doesn't mean that Christian women ought to give themselves too much license to provide men with more stumbling blocks than necessary.

A creep is a creep. A Christian man with Christian convictions (which is what most Christian women want in a man) will appreciate a respectful level of modesty in any woman they seek to pursue.
Face it ladies, men are pigs and have no control of most anything. That is unless they have had the opportunity to give their lives to Christ. Being a child of God brings responsibilities that include the care and respect for all women. God made all of you beautiful in many ways so that men would be attracted to you for procreation. Those who don't know God, have a tendency to go overboard. In God's Grace John
All men are pigs? Really? Cause last time I checked, we were made in the image of God and reveal his handiwork in us. We are sinners, and we are enticed by beauty, but that is far from being labeled a pig. God created that appreciation for beauty, it was God's design. Yes, we have perverted God's design, but I would never say that we are "pigs". Oh and just so you know, I know some very respectful unbelievers, and sad to say, some very disrespectful beleivers. We are all ducks swimming in the same pond.
Mary: respectfully, your perspective seems painfully naive. Here's why:

Instead of saying "They're right: showing off my body WILL get more sexual attention from men, and not just the creepy ones", you said "That's not the way it's supposed to be". You seem to be rejecting good advice on the basis that such advice should be unnecessary. I agree that it should be unnecessary...but that's not reality. We live in a fallen world full of fallen men and women, and that's not going to change until all is redeemed.

We all understand the reality: show off your body, intentionally or not, and men will pay attention. Not just creepy men, but MOST men. Watch prime-time television or Sunday sports with a child and it becomes painfully obvious. There's a reason commercials are filled with sexual imagery in the form of semi-nudity. Guys don't go to Hooters for the beer and wings alone. Look around your church the next time a woman with a loose blouse bends over to get something out of her purse...heads tend to swivel. This is neither right nor ideal, but it is a reality. If this weren't true, pornography wouldn't be a multi-billion dollar industry. If this weren't true, Omaha would be a spring break destination instead of Fort Lauderdale.

The commercial was right. Whether it's ideal or not, dressing modestly WILL protect you - to some degree - from the prying eyes of men. Most guys look forward to spring and summer because everybody dresses less when it's warm. If the ONLY reason that a woman has to dress modestly is that it attracts less sexual attention from men, I'd say that one reason is good enough.

You wrote "It's my responsibility to dress modestly so that creepy men won't try to ply me with their advances?". To that I answer - categorically - that men CAN and SHOULD control themselves. The amount of clothing you wear has no bearing on a man's moral responsibility. HOWEVER: there is absolutely, positively, unequivically NO DOUBT that a woman is better-insulated against leering men when dressed then when undressed. Want to avoid being seen as a sexual object? Avoid dressing in ways that your society considers sexually inviting.

You and I know this, but don't like it...which is another argument altogether.
Great post.

I find it frustrating that some women dress in a way that makes guys want to stare at them and, uh, "get to know them", and then complain that guys are sleazy and only want sex. I've talked to girls about the mind of a male and they had absolutely no idea that guys were wired as such.

Now of course I'm not saying that women ask for abuse or unwanted advances (it makes me ANGRY when guys think they can use women merely for sexual gratification), but I think that perhaps a lot of the time they're unaware of the messages they're sending in their clothing. When celebrities dress as they do (showing a lot of skin), they're selling their sexuality. And when I ask some people why what these people are wearing is cool,
I don't get an answer that would convince me that these people have thought the situation through.

Girls: Be wary of just wearing clothes because you think they are cool. Often times a man has designed them with the intention of exciting his mind with the thought of a woman in (or getting out of) them (dirty scumbags).

Guys: Let's be better than we're being, and not buy into the lie that having many sexual conquests makes us more manly than we feel. and let's not be afraid to pull each other up when we know a brother is objectifying women or treading on dangerous ground.

I hope this post doesn't come across as self-righteous or know-it-all. Believe me, I struggle with lust. It sucks.
Well said. To think that the way we dress doesn't send a message or that it sends only messages that we want it to is a bit naive, to say the least. The fashion and advertising industries certainly know better. It strikes me that immodestly dressed women also protect themselves from modest men who "get the message" (intended or not) and avoid or feel uncomfortable around such women. When they do this they are acting responsibly. The responsibility is shared by both women and men (in different ways).
When I first read this post, I disagreed with the author. I feel it is my responsibility to not be a stumbling block to other men. However, when I checked out that "modesty survey" my blood began to boil. Well, just put me in a long skirt and a baggy t shirt and stick me in a corner. On that survey, there are objections to everything from bikinis (which I agree with) to shorts over a one-piece bathing suit. Men, take some darn responsibility for your own thoughts and actions. Take responsibility for your own lust. Get your head away from "Look! She's tempting me! It's all her fault!" to "What kind of woman is she, and how does Christ see her?". Do not push it upon women to 'protect your eyes' because guess what-- I REFUSE to give up my sense of self so that you can maintain some false sense of purity. I will expect, that with my very sincere efforts to be modest, you can control your burning desires to an extent. Ah, I am so angry. I understand the rant Mary!
I can really understand your anger. Men don't have a good track record.
While I do think women (and men for that matter) need to be wary of that they wear, there comes a point where it's just ridiculous. Women need to b able to express themselves.
I looked at this survey myself. I think you might have mis-read the statements. The majority of men found one-pice with shorts Modest, not Immodest. I got to tripped up on that myself because the statements switch from "___ is immodest" and "______ is modest.

I say this because while I agree in principle with the rant, it must be balanced with the scripture that calls on the Christian community to not be stumbling blocks. I Corinthians 8 is pretty explicit about the responsibility on the part of the "stronger" Christian to refrain from using his or her liberty when it is likely to make a brother or sister stumble.

It must go both ways - the "weaker" Christian must grow in knowledge and grow in restraint, and the "stronger" Christian must not flaunt his freedom in Christ. So, men (and ministries discipling men), Grow up already! Women, be wise about the impact your body has on men.
It's difficult to know where to start with this one. I'll try and make my points as clearly as possible:

1. In a community of faith, we are called to be responsible in the way that we act, in order to not lead another to sin. If I told you that I didn't want you to, say, open a bottle of wine at a meal with an alcoholic present, I don't think you'd object too strongly. Lust, pornographic and masturbation are _massive_ issues within the church today, even before we hit the issue of sex itself. Dressing modestly (and I'm not talking burkhas here - making sure that you're not showing your underwear would be a start) is a way of helping.

2. Women and men are physiologically different when it comes to sex (big surprise!) Men's base level of sexual attraction is sight, women's is touch. (That's not to say that men don't get turned on by touch or women by sight, just that these are the basics) A lot of women I have talked to just don't understand the effect that they have on men with the way that they dress. That's not apportioning blame - just a fact that needs to be recognised.

3. The Bible has a fair bit to say on dressing modestly, and surely that should be our yardstick?

4. There are a number of cases of men who attend churches because they are sexual predators, and know that they will, in many cases, find women who are a) single, b) naive. Again - this is not the fault of the woman, but it doesn't hurt to be wise - we don't walk down the street with money paper-clipped to the outside of our clothes....

OK - I'm braced for the impact - let the flames begin :)
Yeah, I can see your point about arguing modesty as 'protection' is overstated.
That said, a positive view of modesty in dress, speech, and action is becoming to all ages and both genders.

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