Singleness in Church, Redux

A few months ago I published an article about singles in the church in The Banner (the denominational magazine of the Christian Reformed Church in North America).  I was glad after its publication to hear that my thoughts resonated with the experience of other singles, and now I'm writing some further thoughts about that article.

When I wrote my original article, I suggested that well-meaning churches unintentionally send three messages: 1) that singleness is a problem 2) that families are the only relevant unit 3) that singles are not adults.

When I developed these themes, I was thinking about the kinds of language that I hear in churches, but I was thinking more about stories from people that I know.  I have had wonderful experiences of church family, but I know that my academic career and my involvement in music leadership also make it easier for church folks to talk to me about those things instead of my love life. Other people’s stories, though, make me sometimes cringe.

One of my friends complained that people from her church were always talking about setting her up with their nephew or friend from work, but never followed through.  She would be happy to go on these blind dates, but this situation was like the worst of both worlds: lots of reminding her about how she’s single and that’s not ok, but no fun blind date stories (or potential match) to show for it.

Another friend had been in a relationship with a man from her church for about a year, and they had done pre-engagement counseling at the church. We all knew they would get married eventually, but the man took his time proposing, much to the chagrin of my friend. As this waiting period dragged on, people at church continued to ask her if they were engaged yet, intensifying her frustration.

In both of these stories, the women already felt frustrated about their relational situations (or the lack thereof) and well-intentioned church members bringing it up just reminded them of their disappointment.  On the other hand, a lot of my friends who are single and in their twenties, especially men, don’t go to church at all but claim they would if they had someone to go with them.

I like to think that my experience is not unusual. I feel that church is a place I know I can go alone, because once I get there everyone is family.  But somehow, a lot of my peers don’t get this impression, and maybe they aren’t willing to live through the introductory period to become a part of that family.  These people are a lot harder to reach, and I’m not sure what we can do as church members. One strategy is to talk to our individual friends in this position and make them believe they will be welcomed in our churches, but I would love to hear about some others.

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Comments (19)

thanks for the article and this further post. as I got married rather young (i was 18) i find it difficult to relate to young adults who are single. I hope that I treat them as normal adults, but I sense that our churches often treats them as people who are unstable. They cannot be asked to be on committees because they might move around yet, for example. The problem is that a large portion of the things people struggle with are silenced.

thanks again.
thanks for the comment, pastor chad. I think that generalization is probably based on experience, although most of the married twenty-somethings I know are relatively unstable too - marriage doesn't keep people from moving. So I guess it depends on how long of a stay you need from someone to consider them stable. In the past I've used my mobility as an excuse to keep from getting too involved, but now I see it as a reason to jump in hard right away so I can build trust with people before it's time to move on.
I refuse to believe that singleness is a bad thing.
Check out Laura Smit's book (www.laurasmit.com) and this audio clip of a presentation she gave (http://tr.im/lsmit_singleness) in which she stresses that the New Testament vision is that the church is your primary family, trumping marital and tribal ties--in which case, she says, singleness should be seen as the norm for Christians, even though some will still be called to marry.

That's basically what the Apostle Paul said, right? It's worth continuing to point out that he and Jesus were single. WWJD? He wouldn't get married?!?
I would be thrilled if there were more activities for singles in my church. But so often ministries revolve around children, and therefore around families.
We were very active in our church. My wife and I hosted a lot of gatherings, dinner parties, having young Pastors over. She suffered from clinically diagnosed manic depression and divorced me after 25 years. She refused counseling and moved away from the church. Suddenly no one at my church knew what to do with a single, middle aged adult. I think they hoped it wasn't catching, like a flu bug. I feel like it almost became a primal thing where married couples did not want an unattached male around, perhaps being perceived as a threat.

No one wants to be reminded of failed marriages. The dinner parties stopped. After all, couples are used to doing things with other couples. I've also heard many times the offer to set me up with a blind date, but that has never happened in the last 8 years. You almost become eventually invisible. So much of church revolves around marriage and children. Sermons are chock full of references about wives and husbands. Lots of sermons are preached about God rescuing failing marriages. But what happens when marriages fail? You can still volunteer to teach sunday school, but that doesn't change your social life after the class is over. Men, especially become invisible and somewhat lonely.
thanks for sharing that Rick - I don't know as many people like you because I am younger, but I think that that disservice is far more serious, so I'm glad that you shared your experience in this conversation. If you come back, I would love to hear how you wish things were, or how people could make you feel more visible and valued.
@ Rick-

Thanks for being vulnerable brother...I'll be praying for you and your church. Perhaps there's some way you can communicate this to your community?

@ Bethany-

I really appreciate your post and your article. As a recent college grad, the churches I've attended since becoming a walking believer have included many singles, college and post-grad ages. Also, I've also experienced a thriving 'young adult' movement in the church my parents attend which provided an opportunity to meet and spend time with 20 and 30 somethings.

One question: you mentioned at the end of your article a desire to include atypical Christians in the church, as a continued thought. You suggested gay christians as an example...what might that look like?

Thanks again for your post!
Hi Bryce, what I was thinking about when I wrote that was that this family-centered-ness that I'm critiquing is even more hurtful to people who are unlikely to ever marry or have children. In our current legal system, this includes christians who are gay especially since many churches suggest that they maintain celibacy. It seems especially cruel to recommend a lifestyle that isn't affirmed by the church. That point is maybe less clear because of the examples I offered here, but I think if you realize (like Rick pointed out) that not everybody has a spouse or kids and don't base all your examples and activities around this, that would be a good start.
i believe churches need to revisit the pervading cultures and attitudes specifically on how we view the family as a unit and the church as a family that exhibits grace and love and acceptance in the name of Christ. i know this is easier said than done and it will be a tedious process. but if we prayerfully ask the Holy Spirit's enlightenment, and allow Him to transform our churches to become a safe harbor for those who, like Rick are struggling, then more people, not just the existing members, but the community at large will see the light of God's grace in all of us. and that is a powerful testimony and an effective witness that will beat any program or plan that we can come up with. let us continue to pray for each other. this has been a very illuminating reflection. many thanks!
Being single and dealing with bipolar, your story resonates with me on several levels. Thank you for sharing.
my heart goes out to you brother. for i myself became very disenchanted with the church. and experienced how judgemental and exclusive it can be. but thanks be to our Lord Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith and the Lord of the Church. He will not let you go my friend. even now, i believe, He is reaching for you and will carry you through all your trials. will continue to pray for you...
Well now Rick, are you going to just set there and share or are you going to do something about it? I suggest you start a new ministry in your church~ Single Adult Ministry~ or support another church member with the passion to do so. Start discussing the subject and see where it falls.

There is nothing negative about a singles ministry when governed properly. It is a way for those "not getting out much" to share, celebrate and learn that "there are others out there", in a church centered group. In fact it opens up doors for other non churched singles to enter.

If it is your passion to start this ministry, there is much online about how to get started and many available people listed for you to contact. I am not an expert but if I can assist you in any way please let me know. patriotic_christian_nurse@yahoo.com
Sharon, I think you misunderstand the problem. Having a singles ministry doesn't encourage the married people in a congregation to build relationships with singles and take them seriously, it just encourages them to assume they are taken care of. I also think it's a bit presumptuous of you to suggest that Rick isn't doing anything just because he is sharing about this problem.
What I would like to see is a community that includes everyone: families, kids, seniors, singles as valued parts of the church family, and doesn't send them off to different ministries to keep them away from the regular people. We need to be Christ to each other, too, not just to people outside of the church.
Sharon:

I thought that was the answer at first. I help create an adult singles group yet ultimately stopped attended. It may be hard for you to understand and this is horrible of me to say it, but it just seemed so pathetic to see a room full of desperate single adults (me included). Plus I could never get into the adult youth group vibe, all riding a bus to a picnic or staging a car show. No worries though. I love worshipping the Lord and attend church weekly. I have been more active in men's prayer ministries. I go to a lot more conferences than when I was married. I work out several times a week at a gym now and I put my easel up in the family room and have returned to painting. Yet the house is quiet when I come home and I miss having a social life. I launched a business last September so that keeps me running. I think the awkwardness of being an adult single, a failed-marriage person would have been less of a problem in the first century church when the custom was to meet from house to house. Plus, the early version of the Lord's Supper was literally a pot luck...they ate meals frequently together. Thanks for your concern though. I do appreciate people's prayers...that's the neat thing about being a Christian, we share one another's burdens. Thanks.
Until recently I was on staff of a medium sized church. As a single woman in charge of Adult ministries I was very visible and a constant reminder that single people exist. One of our strategies was not to have a singles group per se but to encourage single people to join with others in small groups which were a mixture of young, old, married and single. Plus, when the pastor used family illustrations, single people were always included. I've been told that our church is one of the most welcoming to singles. But I agree that this is not always the case.
this is great. thanks for sharing. this is a great example of what the church as family should be. and an example we should try to encourage in our local churches. thanks again!
So let's cut to the chase: is it fair to say that the North American church puts the nuclear family on a pedestal to a problematic extent? Or even more direct: do we idolize our culture's model of nuclear family? Do we plug our ears to Jesus' and Paul's teachings that the global body of Christ is one's true family, and marital status is secondary?

I think so.
I think one of the reasons singleness is avoided in regular Christian gatherings is the issue becomes how are singles dealing with their sexual desires.
There are those that transfer personal ideas that it is not possible to live celebate, so to raise the issue of lust or sexual feelings would be to open a pandora's box.
I recently started a discussion group and all the attendees where men. the question open for discussion was, "What is the greatest barrier to your daily walk with God?" Along with other issues, all present listed lust or sexual desire, and their ability to cope with it as paramount in their lives. The lack of Biblical principles on what is acceptable or proper was a concern for all.
We had a very frank discussion on all issues of daily temptations and what a real response should be.
An open and frank discussion on what is and what should be without any coulda, woulda, shoulda, is need so that the single in a Cristian community are not the abnorm, but the norm.
Many people want straight answers they can live by and hope for, that is practical for their current state of life.

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