Discussing
Friendship by the Numbers?

This is a subject I think quite a lot about and have written about on my own blog. So I have many thoughts on the subject, but I'll try to keep it short.

Firstly, in Australia recently, a teenager committed suicide after being cyber bullied. That's a danger that we have to consider when thinking about online social networking sites.

Secondly, I think teenagers in particular are likely to base their worth on how many friends they have on places such as Facebook. Which is never a good thing.

Thirdly, people do not treat others online as they would in real life. They are often more cruel. They don't care as much about the other person because they don't see them and they don't see how they react.

Fourthly, I think God designed us to operate in relationship and community with other people. And by that, I mean the type of relationship and community that comes from being face to face and living alongside others. And it is very easy to neglect those 'real' relationships for the sake of virtual ones.

Yes, the internet does provide some good things. As you mentioned, it enables people to stay in touch with people they would otherwise lose contact with. But we must keep in mind the substance (or lack thereof) of these types of relationships and also spend at least some time thinking about the impact of virtual communication and how we work through the problems that can arise.

I have to object to the distinction between internet friendships and "real" friendships. I don't think it's that simple. In my own case, my friendships with people I know online are closer than offline friendships simply because I have carried these relationships with me when I move to a new place (because I am a student I have moved four times, three times to different states, in about as many years.) Of course these aren't the kinds of relationships you're going to find on Facebook; these are relationships I have developed with people who I administrate hobby websites with, where we are working together to solve problems regularly. The shared experiences and stress is what bonds you. And while I have of course never received a hug from these people, I have received the *desire* that they could hug me when I was going through a tough patch; the emotional connection is I think genuine.

That seems to be the real point. Depth of relationship can be there, but you have to want it and work with it. Online friendships have their disadvantages as well as their advantages. It helps that I can connect to other people that don't quite fit in to their offline social sphere like me, and also I get to meet many more diverse people than I would otherwise. But again, it comes down to what kind of relationship you're seeking out. Fickle, superficial relationships can be found in the middle school lunch room, too.

“He warned that the sites are contributing to a trend for teenagers to put too much importance on the number of friends they have.”

This problem existed before the internet. Having worked with kids for a number of years, only a small number actually seem to care about the number of friends they have. If they do, it is usually a friendly competitive thing. I can only maybe name one or two kids that seem to really take the numbers thing seriously - and they do this in real life too - because to the parents, numbers of friends is important.


"My experience with social media is the opposite of another of Archbishop Nichols’ concerns: that it leads to transient friendships."

I'd bet that Archbishop Nichols' has a number of transient friendships too, and has for most of his life. You just can't interact with people and keep them all in your inner-circle. Likewise, the more important you are to a group or culture, the more friends you are going to have of varying importance.

"This leads to one question I have about this issue: is this an acceptable trade-off? Are the friendship-enhancing functions of social media worth the risk of taking time and meaning away from deeper, face to face friendships?"

I use social media frequently. It has allowed me to deepen many relationships. It has also caused me to lose friends too (somebody doesn't like a religious statement or something silly I put on my site, they de-friend and then don't want anything to do with me -- though, this is rare).

I like that a quick scan allows me to know the mundane in people's lives. It is in the mundane that you can start to see patterns that lead to bigger things. Even more important, this gives me an opportunity to pray for somebody that I might have not considered in some time.

Yes, there are pros and cons, but what is a pro or a con is largely up to how the individual handles things, not the platform itself.

"Ultimately, I think as long as we use our internet friendship as a supplement to real relationships, where we get to know people and show God’s love to them, it can be a useful tool. "

I agree with this. As I walk through the schools, and I go to youth group, it is still a relative rarity that I see somebody isolated and only interacting with others only via electronic mediums. The few that do this, have deeper issues and have bigger things in play that still would exist outside of the social platform.